A Tale of Two Plane Rides

As I wrote about in my last post, I am not a big fan of androgyny, or more precisely, my presenting  androgynously.  Over the past few weeks, I I've begun to rethink this, at least a little.  On my recent trip to Seattle, I flew home as Liz on the way home, and I described the less-than-earth-shattering results here. 

On the way out, however, I was fairly androgynous in my presentation, without being over-the-top.   I was wearing my women's coat and a pair of baby-blue New Balance sneakers, and I carried the bag

I did NOT look like this guy

that my wife refers to as a man purse.  I was pleased, and felt relaxed ... I was at home with myself, and though there might have been some raised eyebrows, I didn't see them.

On the way back, I was full-on Liz, and felt, what?  Somewhat nervous and afraid of being read, though I don't think I was. I was aware that I was Liz, and that I had to be on my guard, thinking about voice and movement.  I went to the bathroom and panicked when I saw how bad my face looked in the horrible, convinced that I was surely read by everybody I came across, and that I was being laughed at--or worse!--behind my back.  When I got to more normal lighting, I saw that it was fine, and my paranoia had simply been working overtime.

Which of these experiences is more positive?  Which did I enjoy more?  As Liz, I reveled--as usual--in being "one of the girls," sharing in that easy camaraderie with other women. smiling at each other knowingly, etc.  But at the same time, there was an underlying sense of unease at the thought of discovery, as remote as the chance might be.

When I was androgynous, there was none of the anxiety, but none of the camaraderie either.  I was able to express femininity without the worry of discovery.  I felt relaxed and with no worries, but I did not that special satisfaction of being perceived and treated as a woman.

Two different flights, two different experiences.  Although on balance, I would rather be entirely Elizabeth, anxiety and all, androgyny allows expression of my dual nature when I can't be completely Liz.  Hopefully, I can move toward a more day-to-day mixing.  Can I do this on a regular basis?  Will it help me to feel more at ease, more complete?

I don't know, but I'm on the journey to find out.  Film at eleven.