Bad blogger! Bad blogger!

I have been a baaaad blogger.  It's been almost two months since my last post. I just lost the motivation.  It was like, I'd start a post, then when it got to the point I needed to stop and think, to the point that I was at a momentary impassé, I would just give up.  I lacked the motivation to get back to it.

Part of the problem is that I have been diagnosed with adult ADHD, and one of the symptoms is that its harder to get motivated to get past the little roadblocks that crop up along the way.  Whenever a task arises that is unpleasant, we all have to work up the motivation to get over the "hump" of resistance that is created.  For people with ADHD, that hump is higher -- sometimes a lot higher.  And the symptoms of ADHD generally get worse when one is under stress, as I have during the past year over employment issues.

To compound the issue, I discovered over the Christmas break that I am clinically depressed, and probably have been for years.  This is not uncommon in ADHD-ers ... being perceived as a screw-up all your life wears on a person.  But in my case, I have the extra added bonus of a load of shame for being TG.  "Stuffing it," as my therapist puts it, hiding and burying part of me all these years tends to produce a profound depressive malaise.  As we all know, the rate of depression is much higher in trans-folk than in the general population.

Well.  As I write this, I am on my second day of anti-depressants -- a SSRI, if you must know -- and I am waiting to see if it works.  Which can take a month with this stuff, and that's speedy  With the originals, it could take months to work your way up to an effective dosage.  But this one goes to full dosage after a week, and then we'll see.